You sign your checks in crayon.

You tell your husband you want a raise.

Your wallet is full of monopoly money.

Other parents say “Hi” and know
your name and you have no recollection of ever seeing them before.

You start every sentence with “Listen Mr!”

The newspaper you read is stuck
to the kitchen table.

You scream at the dog,
“Hey don’t run with a stick in your mouth! You’re going to poke your eye out.”

You invite your mother-in-law to be a live-in babysitter.

You tell your friends that you feel like you have no brain and they don’t disagree.

Everyone tells your husband that he married a winner but nobody will say what he won.

You start singing “The Wheels on the Bus”
while you’re pumping gas.

You buy a home gym and then use it for hang drying.

You hang up the phone after talking to your friend and dial her same number again.

You try to help your kids with their homework and realize that
they’ve gotten smarter than you.

“Do as I say, not as I do,”
is your yoga mantra.

You pull out of the driveway with your purse on top of the car.

Your car is filled with more fast food wrappers than the take-out dumpster.

You buy toys that you want to play with.

You hang up the phone after talking to your friend
and dial her same number again.

Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm screams.

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